Millennial versus the world..?

One parent this week got a new phone and the other got a new blog.

This makes for a rough week for this Millennial.

They have the same thing in common, low training and low frustration levels. One will ask me how to do something but then doesn’t want to wait for the answer and begins to complain about how the things don’t work. The other gets super agitated at things that are not a problem but is seen as a problem but then because of the hyper feelings, I am unable to help because now I am getting hyper and agitated. With one I walk step by step through and the other I just come back later.

Seriously….why do people talk so badly about Millennials but then ask for help later and expect you to be nice about. I have never understood why Generation Y things we are spoiled brats and the baby boomers look down at us. Most of the time it is the baby boomers who are the mean ones who look down on just about everyone and Generation Y who thinks the world revolves around them and get mad at those who disagree and want a little bit of the world for themselves.

I’ve been thinking about this Alessia Cara video:

This isn’t really who I am, not fully, but there are pieces of me in it. ‘Not crying once the face is made’, ‘she fades away, she don’t see her perfect’, ‘I can go a little while longer’…

Recently I told a friend that I don’t really think of myself as pretty, I’m ok…but beautiful isn’t really me. I know other people see me that way but…either way, when I said this, she gave me this look. It wasn’t that she thought I was stupid but what I said was so unbelievable to her.

I can do all kinds of things, I can build a website, sing, make friends, play video games, sew, cook, balance the books, teach, mentor, I can help most anyone with anything and if I can’t I know someone who can so it counts…thing is because of others opinions of me…I changed my thinking. I think all the Millenials have. We wanted to be the best kid to our parents (the boomers) and older siblings (Gen Y) but we were mocked for who we became in a world we didn’t create.

We were called proud because we knew how to do word excel and internalized it instead of seeing people who were jealous, bitter and hurt over their own inabilities. We were called spoiled because we grew up in a world that was easier even though it was these people who fought to get this world for us, but now to their mind it was too easy.

I don’t think I am a lot of things, I have a lot of things but I am so used to not keeping things, having things, loving things, BEING things because I knew at some point it would hurt someone I loved. I didn’t pay attention to all the ways that I was being hurt but I am noticing now. I am even noticing how much bitterness has accrued because of it. It has dictated my own way of living in a way that is messing up my new path.

That’s not okay….I’m becoming them.




I went to DISNEYLAND!!! And by I went to Disneyland I mean…

what the heck just happened?

I went to Disneyland to celebrate an anniversary with some friends. The whole day was this utter holding of my breath. I was so excited to go and do that I forgot really that I was there to have fun and one of the people I was with kinda threw me off my happy rhythm. I wanted to go buck haywire and they wanted to stroll through. When it comes to friends my first thought is to establish a rhythm for us so that we can all be happy but I wanted the day to be more about me then I first thought….so that thought went out the window. This made it really awkward for the other friend who had to kinda choose who to be with. That wan’t fair of me.

I had to talk to God after because man, that was flipping Disneyland!! I think it is my top favorite place on earth and I’ve been to the land of OZ!!

After talking to him it got down to this, this summer cut off a lot of the relationships I had. Especially me with him and it messed me up. Instead of this fun team out enjoying he world, we became this doctor and patient or teacher and student. We weren’t friends any more and we hadn’t been for some time.

Celebrating without your best friend? Not the easiest thing to do.

I was pushing so hard to have fun that because I hadn’t been having fun for a long time. I hadn’t been happy in even longer, and Disneyland is always my happy place; I have the best memories from there. I just wanted to celebrate a good day.

This coming week is a friends birthday and I am AGAIN going to Disneyland.

Funny how soon an opportunity came to try again. This time, I will have my best friend and I’m going to make new rules for the new Amy to enjoy going to her happy place. Not sure what those are yet, but I have faith. ūüôā



Tamasha PosterThis is the movie that made my summer. Tara and Ved are two people who meet on holiday and through circumstances decide that they will:

1. Travel together and have fun, nameless.

2. They will not have sex.

3. They will be themselves the whole time.

UGH! the premise was soo good but honestly I thought he would turn into a psycho, the way the premise was written, you know, yar? I was REALLY expecting ‘Karthik Calling Karthik’ another good Bollywood¬†but is super twisted, if you like a good thriller. This was more about being who you really are even if that person is messed up or clever or terrific. The point was to break out of the imposed ‘normal’ shell.

This really got me thinking. The reason I started a new year is partly based on this movie, influenced, at the very least. The movie as a movie was thrilling and fantastic with a good enough soft edge to make it the best ride. Thing is, it REALLY got to me. I think about who I am in public and sure, this is who I needed at the time of growing up to fit inside of the rules.

I’m an adult now, though. I, PERSONALLY, make the rules of my life. There are people who live ‘off the grid’, there are people who engage in ‘thruples’¬†(Seriously I just love the word more than anything else), there are people who eat ‘hufu’ to slate their hunger (wiki that one, I refuse to explain), there are all kinds of ways that people just CHOOSE to live. If it’s because they are crazy, having fun or whatever reason, they chose it. No matter the consequences, they choose it.

I based my movements on rules that were meant for people not like me. When other people guess that ‘the butler’ did it, they can be 50/50 on being right. When I ‘guess’ ‘the butler’ did it, I’m closer 90/10 of being right because that is how my brain works as an INFJ. It isn’t boasting it is how I work and if I don’t take those strengths into mind then I lose in the long wrong.

I found this great blog posting about what it means to be an INFJ and reading it made me feel better because it was simply who I am. It also made me feel odd that someone knew such things that I couldn’t verbalize ever.

I’m still learning about who I am and how to walk in those shoes but the thing is, today I just had this epiphany about doing things according to my own rules instead of the rules I have been given. I’m not sure where this will take me but I’m hoping it will get me away from the depressed, broken and bitter woman I have been for so long.












Notorious try out and male courtesans

Notorious PosterI wanted to see what a few of the new shows were like and this was one of them. It kind of reminds me of an ABC version of ‘The Newsroom’. A lot more sex and intrigue and only one hard hitting issue. The Newsroom of course dealt with quite a few all at one time. Spoilers ahead, fair warning.

I got interested in part because of the concept but mostly Piper Perabo from Covert Affairs; woman knows how to strut in some pumps. However, it isn’t just that…She is able to be cutting edge and also raw without making me want to roll my eyes. Sure I like Scandal as much as the next person but sometimes Olivia Pope makes me think, “I can’t tell if you are stupid or just na√Įve.” Whatever the thing, when I find an actor who is able to make me believe in what they are doing even when it is implausible or just dumb, I stick with them.

Her assistant, Megan Byrd,¬†played by Sepideh Moafi?? I may end up watching just for her alone. She pops out of nowhere with the fact that she used to be an escort. I love the assistant who is so good at their job they are their bosses arms, but this character is that and has her own story. I want to know all about her! It’s like watching Billie Piper in the ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’: The next chapter.

There is this part in the pilot (just go to if you haven’t seen it) where the male main character, Jake Gregorian, meets with a clients wife who he used to love. Truly he should have left when she invited him to have a drink, no really he should have called her but he is the one who told the family to turn off their phones. Of course they have sex, because this is ABC but there is this look he gives her when she tries to kiss him. It is this desperate moment where he looks at her as if he is asking her to please don’t. Of course he wants her, who really lets go of all the love they have for someone? This look though is begging her, to please let him go. In his moment of weakness he is begging her not to hurt him and pull him back into this place.

I have always wanted to give this look to someone; this look of begging them not to pull me into the sweet oblivion of disaster.  I AM A STORYTELLER! And more then a bit of a romantic, so experiencing all kinds of things is epic to me.

No go though. I am the saint to everyone except the devils. I have met¬†officially 3 of those. They are¬†sweetly tantalizing but they can be too easy for me. I LOVE the chase. One guy I know was so perfect at this, if we had been around each other longer I may have had this moment with him. He wasn’t a devil type though, he wasn’t so boring and just lusty. Just lusty doesn’t get me into bed. I am a woman, I have three areas that must be fulfilled: body, mind and soul. (Spirit is automatic, if you are icky in spirit, we may not even talk.) ¬†This means that sex for me is a full person experience. This is why I have higher standards.

When a guy is looking at only my body, truly all I can see is how basic he is. When a guy is just looking at my marriage potential because I’m one of the few Christian women he knows, again, BORING. When I’m having a great conversation with a guy and that’s it, I think it is a waste.

Ever seen ‘Firefly’? Older show, one season, great Steampunk stuff. It has this¬†courtesan character that is my favorite. She brings up this idea that her job is not simply having sex, it is about catering to the¬†full person she is dealing with. The needs that go beyond simply physical. Nowadays, this is called ‘the girlfriend experience’. In the past this was what being a ¬†mistress, courtesan, or geisha, depending on the time or country, were about. It was about engaging the senses and coming out better. Not talking about how righteous it was, I’m talking about how someone took a normal concept of sex and turned into art. Turned the normal male and female relationship into something romantic and often deep. Turned the meeting of the minds into a dance, a duel and moments to remember.

It is easy for me to have conversations with most anyone that engages them to their core, I am considered pretty so that is of course not a problem either (in this case at least), I also have cultivated a list of things that can engage just about anyone. Gaming, SOME sports, politics, science, what do you want to talk about? It is easy to be on someone’s level…but to have someone on my level? To engage me? To get me so involved that no matter if it’s a sin, no matter if family disagrees I would willingly fall into this deep oblivion of our new love?

I have yet to meet the man.

Men aren’t really taught how to be the mister, the courtesan, the geisha. Especially if they are Christians they are so pushed away from any kind of sex or pleasure that when they do meet a girl they normal give and take of flirtation is lost. They are taught about work, how to get paid by the office. They are not really taught how to ‘get paid’ by the women in their lives.

Women are taught how to be the mistress, the seductress, the prostitute even. Even if you are a Christian there is a certain amount of giving to ‘your man’ that you are taught.

Yet it is not given back.

I am good enough to be a non-Christians hook-up, a Christians good housewife and sometimes even a non-Christian…but I don’t want those things.

I want to be my husbands courtesan. While his guys are talking crap about their wives I want him to slowly sip his drink with a smirk and maybe even come home early.

I want my husband to be MY courtesan. While my girls talk smack about their husbands, I want to look out the window and cover my smile with my fries, trying to block out the sweet oblivion that awaits me at home.

Either way, I’m probably coming back to the show out of curiosity but it is ABC so I won’t be staying very long, too much sex with too long drawn out of a plot. ūüôā

4th on 52 and purge

So I have FINALLY reached my 4th week of my 42 challenge and it took longer simply because I was freaking out over the 2nd week. I didn’t simply answer the 2nd week like I would normally. With the Holy Spirit asking deep questions and my own heart up and willing I found myself delving into places that I usually avoid.

The third week was no different but I was happy that it was a faster process. Now that I’m on the 4th week I find myself reflecting on the 2nd and third weeks. The fourth week is about the body and because I’m a bit behind I’m combining it with another week that is also about the physical. My year, my plan. Adding sleep to my diet is way important. Not that I enjoy it really but that’s just based on old data that has nothing to do with how I am loving myself right now.

With this I began to also look at my room. I found that one effective way to handle my room is to simply put away clothes in one spot. They end up all over the room so its like a floor of clothes and leaves an itchy feeling all week until I suddenly do a mass cleaning that leaves me tired. I truly dislike putting clothing up and have a bad habit of just naturally stepping out of my clothes when I get home and either leaving them in that spot or in some heap nearby where it isn’t supposed to go.

I often hear about women who complain about the men in their lives and I usually think, ‘wow, I think I’m the guy in this equation.’ I really am hoping for a certain kind of life partner….like a guy who likes putting away clothes. ūüôā Too much?

While I was sorting I began to look at my unfinished projects. It took me a bit but I had an epiphany.

I have so many unfinished things and some are out in the open because I am so happy to look at them all day and everyday. I want to remind myself that I will always have this to go to.
Yet there is another pile. It is a pile of things in a corner that is hidden by a chair. I literally can’t see it at any point in my day. That’s when I began to think. I am keeping these things, just in case. These are things given by friends or family members, they are crafts that I couldn’t quite get to work, leftovers from crafts that went great.

These are leftovers, like having leftovers in the fridge, but just like leftovers, there is either:

  1. Like you didn’t actually like it or it made you sick.
  2. There was simply too much and after awhile your taste buds are tired of eating the same thing.
  3. OR they simply went bad.

However, because they are nonperishable I keep¬†them. I don’t see that this 2 inch piece of fabric may have a use but not for me, so why not toss it? This pretty dress is great but not for me, so why not give it?

So another purge has happened. Within this week I plan to take a few things to good will and hope that some one else will be able to find a good use for it.

I want to keep things in my life and house that are pleasing to me. If they help me to grow, laugh, love more or better, shake me, whatever, this is what I need. If I am keeping it out of guilt that will sooo not help my growth and health.

The thief in my mind

Who’s counting?

I always find these ‘motivational speeches’ interesting. This is a person crying out for change inside of people in a poetic form. I respect that.

I just don’t feel it.

In this society and time, we have been so inundated with everything that this ‘motivation’ is just useless noise most of the time. My ears have scabbed over as I have been told over and over and over and over to BE SOMEBODY! To grow up and be awesome. On and on the concepts flow of who and what I am supposed to be and the pressure is laid on for whatever the present moment thinks is necessary.

So when someone asks, who is counting how many times I get up and fail, I tell them: I am.

I am counting because if I don’t either no one will or everyone will.

Oprah, Steve Jobs, the GREATS as we like to call them, the amount they failed is counted but in the long term compared to their accomplishments, all applaud.

Those who are ‘normal’ their family, friends and peers all count how many times they fail and bring it up ALL THE TIME. I’m not even sure why we do this to each other but we do. “Remember hat time-” Then the embarrassing, the shameful, the painful, all of it comes out in a form of protection. “I don’t want you to be hurt, embarrassed or shamed again so I will bring up the past so that you never think of doing those things again.”

This is what we do to each other in a fight or flight protection of each other.

Those who are somewhere in between?

Just enough success but not enough…there is a horrifying reality that no one cares how much work you put in. They in no way see it but because you are not normal nor extraordinary? All the good you do is unextraordinary and all the bad stuff¬†or failures are unimportant.

Unless you do exceptionally well there is nothing that matters. A bit like playing a video game at level 50, any achievements have to be major in order for any growth to happen.

How much bitterness do you think can be formed in a single individual when no matter what that person does, it isn’t enough for anyone that they call family? When any low they hit will be ‘fine’ because they have bounced back before. Some may consider this to be faith in that person when instead it becomes either:

  1. A High place of mediocrity
  2. A massive push for success that the person can become overwhelmed under and either cave or become addicted to.

I am well aware of how others see me.

So many people want to see me become the next—- pick¬†a name but they want greatness either way. Now, anything that I do is too below their expectations and no matter what I do I am left with this…. feeling. Who I am, now, is inadequate. Who I will be is what everyone wants to see, she is important. I am just the standby till she gets here.

Like I have a great older sister who is awesome and everyone asks why I’m not more like her.

Good lord that’s weird but I just saw it as real. I have to fight my own self for myself, and I am so tired because of it.

I’d write more but I gotta go, but I will come back to this.


Deserve better?

Here is the O.G. video if you want to see it:

I am posting both the audio and the O.G. for a reason. The O.G. has its own value but right now I am focusing on what the song means to me right in this moment. Play as you read maybe?

So this is kind of a part 2 from ‘old romance-new hook-up’. Kind of. I just have a continuation of thought on relationships.

I wonder at this idea of ‘deserving better’, I don’t know how good a person can be to ‘deserve’ something. That is partly why I am a Christian. The concept may float around that you need to get into heaven by works, sheer willpower and being good, but it sure ain’t the truth. I’m messed up and I, God and everyone else knows it. He is just nice enough not to bring it up all the flipping time and rub it in my face¬†like some people do.

However, I do know the concept of wanting better than I have.

That’s why I posted the main video. I can understand having family that isn’t what you want but you still love them. We don’t need to have the extreme¬†‘deadbeats’ in our family to not know that we want better.

I wanted to talk about romantic partners, however.

I use to daydream about meeting a MacGyver kind of guy or maybe even an Aladdin on. I have since upped my standards and lowered them as well. I don’t want the thief nor do I want the spy, no matter how wonderful they may be. They aren’t what I want, they aren’t bad to me, just not what I want. Like not wanting to eat Pb&J any more.

However, it is easy to hold up a picture of what¬†I want in front of the single men in my life and look back and forth and say ‘Nope, that’s not him,’ and suddenly run out of men.

Sure I have physical attributes that I would enjoy having, but that isn’t what I judge a man by. In terms of partnership I ask questions and find out if this guy plans for his wife to be a trophy or a cheerleader. If it is that or a few others, he’s out. If he freaks out because I speak in tongues at church? He’s out. the list goes on of a practical nature of this: If I need to let go of who I am in order to be with him, he’s out. A very simple concept. I understand that I really need to wash more dishes, I get that I read a lot. Some things can be adjusted, other things cannot.

We all should have the person who helps and we help to be the best us we can be. And not in the since of constantly moving, but simply the best. If that means we read more, rest better, work optimally, sing joyfully, whatever it is there should be a holistic greatness in mind that comes with a partner. I’m sharing where I sleep with him, this is important. I’m a woman,¬†he will literally be inside of me, this is important.

I know what everyone has to say about my life and choices, but here is my heart on the matter. I have watched couples live a life that is at best boring or pitiful, at the middle so closed that it is stupid for them to call themselves a couple, and at the worst….just making themselves and the people around them miserable.

I want all the relationships I have to be life giving. If that means that we are having all out fights (privately) that help us to grow, Good. If that means starting a business together to accomplish both of our dreams, Love it. If that means being each others comfort when loved ones die or the more painful of life happens, all for it.

I want ALL of life, not just the glitter. The guys I have known, we wouldn’t help each other to do that.

I guess that is why it’s so hard in the present moment because I have seen so many great men. If they were all horrible and doofus, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. Nope, I get to see some of the best men that God has to offer. Yet, I want the best. The BEST FOR ME.

I want the same wavelength, the traditions we make just for us, the being there for each other in the way no one else can be, the understanding each other and later our habits. He goes shopping with me because he knows how much I dislike it and we have fun in all the shops. Maybe I bring him lunch and we eat together once a week.

It is hard to think that the little things that I enjoy that are really big things for me are called out as fantasy or childish by many I have known. My dreams are pitied or looked at as childish and no one sees the scars that pity has left, how closed I really am and will never open up to some people. My first accounting partner didn’t get this. There were so many times that she would either look passively at what excited me¬† or she would ‘poo poo’ it, which is akin to saying that it doesn’t matter mixed with looking down at it. It certainly didn’t help our relationship and made me close up like a snail or clam or any other ‘animal’ that has a shell that is its house that it can go into.

It is why I stopped sharing. I refuse to have my dreams be less than and I won’t fight to make them awesome in your eyes. My and the man I marry, our eyes are the only eyes that matter. If you agree than great but I won’t force my dreams onto you. If you can’t understand and respect that other people’s dreams, ideals and life are just as valid and important as your own then you¬†have some growing up to do and you can do¬†that in someone else’s life. I won’t hold your hand through that process, I will be hurt a lot more than you in¬†it and I’m still healing from other pains.





Old romance-new hook-up

I saw this on Facebook and I wanted to post this for several reasons:

  1. The friend is under 30, the point¬†being that people aren’t reading Generation Y or Millennials correctly.
  2. This is me, this is my blog, ’nuff said.
  3. I wanted to talk about this.

So there is what I said on Facebook but then there is what I am also thinking.

I¬† said how I add things to my life so that it seems like I’m in a movie sometimes. I like the fact that romantic movies burst into song and dance a lot. The people do things to love there Significant other that don’t involve flowers, chocolate or standing in the rain all the time. Sometimes it’s sitting up talking and laughing all night. Sometimes it’s going shopping in the toy section of Target and nerfing each other and then having slow death scenes. Really it is two people who get to have loads of fun living and get to make out later.

This is my own kind of happy romance.

What I experience though is this getting ready phase of not getting any of those things. I am expected as a woman to not expect cuddling or just making out without sex. I am supposed to know all the ways to give a blowjob but not really expect to be given any cunnilingus in return. I am supposed to at best make myself happy as I am pleasing another and at worst make sure to please this guy not expecting any in return. I am in one sense supposed to enjoy the concept of sex but be prepared to not like it.

I just want to shake a good portion of my friends and tell them loudly and verbosely to SHUT UP!

You are in no way making me want to have sex with any guy, let alone any guy who may do it all the things right and then marry me. They try to prepare me for  the worst, like I asked to be, and forget all of the good. I have to remind myself often that sex will not be horrible, shameful and take all my dignity. I have to tell myself it will be a pleasure, enjoyable (TO ME!) and I will be a part of all that is going on instead of just the tissue paper.

What I want to say but didn’t put on Facebook because it was too deep was that I have this concept that I may never get married. I listen to movies and sometimes people also say that standards can be too high. I asked a dear friend about this and he said my standards were just right. I’m not looking for what everyone else is and it seems like ‘higher standards’ when in fact, it is what I personally need in order to flourish and two I have thought this through and they include things that will help in a long term relationship as opposed to a one night stand or even a short term, maybe we will but maybe we won’t kind of deal.

It is difficult, in the vastness of people and all their ideals, personalities and life choices to find one that matches my own. I have had guys that I liked that were wonderful but older than me so I seemed like a little kid to them. These are the ones that are ready to settle down, know how to treat a lady and are wonderful gentleman. The concept of having to wait for a man to grow up so that he can be a fantastic man for me instead of Peter Pan is daunting.

The men I could have had all got married, which doesn’t bother me, I didn’t want them when they were single I sure don’t want them now. What I am thinking about is all the men who are getting married young and will round out into wonderful men no matter how crazy they were in their youth.

I only want one guy, I’m not looking at them all and saying I will pick and choose, I’m just looking for they man who fits this suit of standards I have and I fit his dress of standards.


It should be…but I wonder if I’m going to be 50 before I meet this guy. At that point it will really be useless to me. I know that sounds harsh but I don’t want to be in my 40’s still looking for a guy.

Watching my friends, bros and sisters alike all find their partners that are honestly so perfect for them, has been harder than I let on. At the time I just want to be their for them and not let jealousy or covetousness reign, so I put all those feelings on hold.
Now, though, I begin to think in this semi-private moment, that it has been hard to watch people pair up and I am left with the broken or younger guys, of which it would be WAY too much work to take let alone the fact that I am a serious romantic. I think that if I take a guy then he will never have the pleasure of having the perfect woman for him and she will never have her perfect guy. That would make me the witch in the story. I’d be Ursula. Yeah, I’d have a thriving mob business, magic and a great set of lungs but I’d also be Ursula and she not only died badly, seemed very happy with a tragic backstory somewhere in there but also, simply, was the bad guy who couldn’t let two people be happy just because they were richer/more powerful¬†then her. I’m not like that at all. I like to see happily ever afters even if I’m not part of them.

I guess, now, it just hurts.

I’m not begrudging them their love, I know that, but it is why I don’t delve into this thought/feeling when it comes up.

I want my happily ever after, with the dragons and the quests and the camaraderie and adventure. Happily ever after doesn’t begin for me when thy ride off into the sunset. It begins when they meet and get to have an incredible adventure together. It continues with new stories of adventure where they are in love but have to protect the kingdom. It goes on as they raise kids and fight villains and seek to make their kingdom better for themselves, their family and their people. And on it goes.

I know that’s not the normal concept of Happily Ever After but it is mine. It is the story that matters. I am a storyteller, so this is happiness for me.

It is hard to shake the idea that I will find an amazing guy but I will have spent so much time without him that at that point I will have given up. Two people I know are in their 40s and 50s and I can see how hard it is for both of them to be without this great love in their lives. They have God and they are able to travel in ways that if they were married like their friends they ma not have been able to do…but the ache they carry is hard to bear for me. Half the time I just want to hug them and not let go for awhile because they look like they are so angry and upset and hurt. Maybe I internalized this.

For so long all I wanted was a good friend who got me and I could call for support and who would call me and we would be comrades in this spiritual fight (Ephesians 6). When I got that and trusted it…it made all the difference. It’s like sitting in the warm sun without a care in the world as butterflies fly around me, knowing that if it rains I will have a place to rest and enjoy the sounds on the roof. No matter what happens in the future, I will have a had a true friend.

Sadly, it also made me realize even more how possible it is to have a love/romance/friendship with a man that can be just as lovely. My heart began to ache more after this realization. In some movies you hear the characters say how much harder it is to have experienced love and then not to have it. Men in Black is the perfect example of this. I didn’t think it was really true but it is if it’s the perfect wavelength. There are some people based on timing, personality, mutual interests, personal journeys, that function on the same or similar¬†wavelength as you. Those people can be the best asset.

And that’s what I want.





Waking up cold

Man was I happy today, waking up to a cold room. The summer has been so hot and I was simply waiting till fall to show up. It cooled down sure but not like this morning when I had to get dressed for work and had to put on a blanket as I did so.

The end of the day is the best for me. It is cool and comfortable for me, it centers me in a way that early morning does for other people. I guess it is this reason that I am so happy for fall to finally come and feeling it as well. Spring too is wonderful because it brings stronger chances of rain. I love the rain and when I see people in Indian movies dancing in the rain I wish I had a climate warm enough to do so without catching a cold.

I know how so many people feel about just about everything but it is harder to accept my own enjoyments. I see myself from others viewpoints because it has allowed me to see my flaws and work to fix them. Now, though, I need to extend the same courtesy of my own view to myself. It isn’t that there is nothing to fix, it is that the things that others would focus on would hold me back from fixing the things that are important as well as I won’t be able to love myself.

People don’t really know how to love themselves. I figured that out a long time ago and yet I have still been using this distorted¬†viewpoint in order to take care of myself. I can love and be compassionate with others but with myself I am almost cruel.

I deny my pleasures, desires, happiness and more because this is they way.

The way of religion, the world…it is fine if you enjoy, desire and are happy with what everyone else is happy about but if you enjoy the cold, the rain, the extremes of this world, you can be punished. As if it people’s right to do so. Those who are different are cut down like natural selection is the way that humans SHOULD treat each other. As if we are not able to do better.

So my new world begins, one where I base my life in the Beloved and trust my own choices. I thought this was the end but no. I will also be loving myself allowing God to love me. I had no confidence in either of us but that is growing and is no longer that same soul sucking ache as it was. Still bad but not horrifying any more…at least, not all the time.

Tuning out all my usual programming for my own benefit is hard. The whole point was that this was for the benefit of others. How short sided that was I could write a book on. If you are empty, how can you help anyone else? Now I am not empty but neither am I full and I cannot function this way. I cannot, I wont, these are words that I have been forced to take out of my vocabulary by those who use them abusively and didn’t want me to be the same.

However, I am not them, and they are not me.








It feels like I have been gone forever. I haven’t written in awhile because I went on a family trip. (Thankful for these scheduled posts!) Emotionally I am so gone. But I miss writing so much.

Most of the time I was away from my family. I had some things I needed to work out with God. So while everyone was playing games I was in this old temple kind of thing, by myself. This weekend went so fast and then we got home and I crashed to sleep. I woke up days later more zombie than normal human.

And so days later I am back to a shade of normal ready to write and continue my 52 weeks. Truly I am behind in timing however, I don’t really want to hurry so I am fine with being out of step with my usual, if it takes¬†a year and half or more, I’m fine with this. I need to take this time, no matter what.

Yet, the not writing is really getting to me. I spent waaayyy too much time not writing and now I feel…unfulfilled. All the time that I have been putting in so many hours of giving into myself but the past week has been about physically healing up and then I had a bunch of things to do for family work and now I finally have a day to fill me up.

Being so long without is different. I am not as empty as I was before but I’m still…now I can feel the hunger for in my soul in a better way. It’s not like this soul sucking into darkness kind of feeling, thankfully. Now, it’s getting closer to the feeling when you haven’t eaten in a very long time and you are working at the same time. My energy is getting used faster than the norm and on top of that I am getting hungrier and hungrier. Finding what I should eat is hard, I have a friend who is joining me this week in feeding our souls. Having a person holding me accountable…it hasn’t really been a thing I liked.

I had an accountability partner once before. In Christian terms, she was meant to make sure that I don’t sin and if I do I have someone who can help me get back on track.

It has been awhile since we stopped but the accounting became stupid. For the most part I am an above board person, I also do not sin even in the small very lightly. I have a high sense of shame and pain so, I often give myself away or can’t do something at all. This has made it easy for my parents, not so adventurous for me as I would like. I didn’t need to account but I did it because my church was pushing it.

A problem arose after some time that I didn’t notice until we stopped accounting. As much as I was open with her, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t know the difference until my newest friend who I am open with but also am myself with. We operate at what you might call a similar wave length. We have a lot in common via the past and personality and feel the same way about a lot of things. Which I thought was the same with my accounting partner but somehow it just wasn’t. She had her own way of doing things that didn’t relate to God and the world the way I did and there was a lot we both held back on. She was an independent woman and so was I, in pretend. I hate being the Olivia Pope type but I hold it well.

My friend saw me as this type, able to take on the world with her. When I did let down my hair, she did not take it well. Neither did I. ūüôā It was the catalyst, though not the reason for why we stopped accounting.

With the person I am soul-filling with this week, it is different. We started our friendship on the basis that I would be myself and that included the God part that I mostly hide from people. So when we begin to be accountable for things, those things aren’t based in other peoples ideas of what we need nor in a fake persona, it is based in our current needs and who we truly are.

My father brings up the idea that you can only have really 5 or so real and true friends in your lifetime…I look and see that no matter what happens in the future, this young lady has been my true friend.