Recently I got a …thing.
I was talking to mi madre who will randomly bust out with a ‘word from God’. Super heavy, really random, mostly on point. (Something’s are a future I haven’t gotten to yet so…’mostly’.)
She began by saying that I need to stop letting people push me against a wall and force me to do things their way. Then she added that I am just where I need to be and in flush with the Beloved and where they want me to be.
One of the few times that she has done this was when I went to college and told me that I was just where God had me. Mi padre was later in the same camp.
I knew before anyone told me that I was where I needed to be and it was more like one scientist doing an experiment and finding the same findings of another and thus backing up the first. I didn’t need a parent or anyone else telling me I was where I needed to be.
And yet, I cannot help but see the goodness and kindness of having support in this way.
Still….I am left with feelings.
On my journey, I have had to wrestle for all of me. What I think, believe, the way I do things and for someone to tell me, even one I hold in high esteem, that I am right, I would have liked to have had it much, much sooner.
Parents aren’t meant to be cheerleaders so I do not hold this against her or anyone, really…I simply hoped that my years of doing the right things would be a letter of writ unto itself.
I don’t need a lot of things but the one thing I desire most is having the confidence of my loved ones. To have them say that they trust me no matter what I do, where I go or what goes on.
I am aware that I watch a lot of shows that talk about murder, like Sherlock but those are my desires to solve puzzles and play detective coming out, not my desire to kill a person and know how to get away with it. I know I talk about wishing to have tons of men around to flirt with and date and have fun with, but truth is that when I am around men, I found out pretty quickly they aren’t the one and get VERY bored, vastly quickly. I am also quite attentive to the Holy Spirit when he says I need to avoid a particular way of walking and end up NOT being mugged or anything of the kind.
I am not only secure in God, good at what I do but also have a history of doing well in most situations. My people know this, friend and family alike.
So, why do they not have confidence in me?
To say that they do not have confidence in themselves may be at the root cause but…right now I don’t care about root causes. I care about the fact that it seems that I and God are the only ones who believe in me and my abilities and it hurts. I have spent so long being good enough for every body and to find that they are actually becoming convinced… it should feel like an accomplishment, right?
So why does it feel like an annoyance? Have my feelings been hurt so badly and I am only just now paying attention?
As more and more begin to see…I will need to have a plan in place with God because right now, I have only negative feelings and I don’t want those long term. This is not happiness or satisfaction, it’s just me seething at broken people who are just as broken as I am. It’s hard to stay angry at them logically even if I feel that way….