Heart dumping

So, strange title for me, I know…

I have so many things that weigh heavily on my mind, like not dying, other people dying and how I could get a working TARDIS. Some of course are less important or logical than others.

There are also things that weight heavily on my soul, as an HSP the feelings of others are like a bunch of cookies on a computer that often need to be wiped clean. Often I need a break or someone to talk to and writing is a great part of this process.

The third is a bit trickier and please go with me as I’m still figuring it out. My heart is a thing that I have no real concept of what it is. My mind is logic, my soul is feelings and my heart is neither of these but connected. And somehow just like all those other pieces I have to …keep it updated?

On top of maintenance I have to make sure it is cleaned and that I dump out junk everyone once in awhile. I’m not even sure what I am dumping but I do. Things that are core issues to me and things I have buried so my feelings don’t move and my mind doesn’t spiral. Simile:

  • My heart is like the food to my feelings which are like the cooking process to my mind which actually does the practical work.

That in no way explains what the ham-sandwich this is that I’m dealing with though. I don’t want a blasted picture of what is going on inside of me, I want words and diagrams and all sorts of things.

Waiting is so ridiculous. I had to wait so long until I found that HSP book and it changes everything for my soul. Just as the doctor’s TARDIS changed everything for how I view myself, God and people. Finding out about all of me is taking too long in my opinion.

I bring this up because I have found that I need to have full out stories in my head to get things out. It is my only coping mechanism. Make up a story that has all my issues, hidden desires and angst with people who don’t live my life and find answers. The Beloved is helping which makes it possible.

Thing is I have been pushing this down because of how insane it is o other people. Being an HSP is bad enough but to have conversations in my head sounds bad even if I say I have stories that play out in my head in order to solve the puzzles in my life. Wait…that actually sounded good to me.

Thing is that there are so many things that I hold back on because I perceive them to be in some way wrong, because the actually insane people or mentally unstable people exhibit these same traits/things. When you have something done in the wrong way it can have horrific casualties. Nazi doctors took living people and experimented on them which left us a pile of information that pushed science but tortured so many people. People in the middle ages experimented on dead people but were imprisoned, tortured and killed for it, but again left information that pushed medicine forward. Knowing the difference between them helps us from being stupid and you know, torturing people in the name of ‘science’.

My feelings are simply mixed. This journey of discovering who I am is great but as happy as I am I am not satisfied. I don’t date, work at a job I love, have a full closet of clothes that don’t have holes in them unless on purpose, I don’t have a full family that supports and hears me. I’m not who I want to be yet, I’m just happy now, which, is sure a major step up…however, I want to be satisfied too.

I only just stepped into this idea but after having a fantastic day with a friend where we did so many of my favorite things, then sleeping in and wonderful God talk, Disneyland and a planned day for binge watching a show, my supposed list for epic happiness …and all I felt was a low wahoo?

Talking to God I melted into a puddle of tears and told him that there’s something majorly missing and I don’t know what it is…he began to tell me that there is a difference between being happy and satisfied. I can have one and not really have the other so the next step that he wants to heal me in is satisfaction. Which goes so hand in hand with all the bitterness that I am finally acknowledging.

Who knew those two were not one in the same…then again sex is not love, food doesn’t equal fulfillment and having peace doesn’t mean there isn’t a war going on.

I wonder how many Christians are satisfied with God life or themselves?

I’m not one to say do whatever you want because I think that if you are not rooted in God that can mean dire consequences for yourself or the rest of us. However, for those who are rooted in God…and I do mean the Christian God and I also mean not the religious one that blasts people out of their nike’s for you know…everything or whims. For those who are I think that we need to change the Christians deal with God and themselves.

What if there was a world where Christians were looked on with respect and not the feared Muslim kind but the real kind? What if people actually believed that love was a real thing and his kids name was Jesus? What if a person, male of female came in naked to any church in America crying because he or she was raped and beaten and the entire church rallied around him or her, providing clothes, police calls, a bunch of big people to guard him or her and another group to pray and sit with the person until the cops showed up and the person came to the church because they knew there would be help? What if instead of forced Christian love we had actual spine-tingling, inward/ outward healing and love that made even Christians sit back and say ‘Heaven, yeah.’ because there was no thought to hell any more?

This is what my heart wants in its core, it is life, hope, future, they are all things that are not really quantified in this world as having any reality to them. It is easier to say that I am angry that something has not happened. It is harder to say that my DNA is calling for something that does not, at present, exist. It is the thing that gives my emotions strength and later my actions.

Yet these dreams, this life inside, as much as I hope for it, they are not things I had thought possible because God had not shown to me that he was any more than a legend of days past; a possibility but not a high probability. It was only after 3 1/2 years of him pouring his love and care into me that I even let any of these dreams come to the surface. I had only three things I held onto and two of those happened because of him so…it helped me open up to him more. However, 2 years ago a prophet asked me a question from God, what do you want? He had already asked me this personally so I took no mind for a half a second. Then the prophet began to say that God knows that I asked for simple things but that he wants me to ask all the things.

This year that same prophet asked me more or less the same question.

The things I just wrote above are my big things. They are things that I don’t talk about because there is no other way to protect them. People are…people and I protect my dreams from them because of the destruction that has been from young/old, stranger/friend, close/far.

I don’t want to tell God about them because I had no evidence that he would in anyway move on them in my lifetime. See the thing is, I am well aware of time and its passing and possibilities, what I do not want to accept is this concept that things happen only after you dead. I do not want to be Van Gogh or Jane Austin living a life of obscurity and/or mockery until their death in which time they are lauded and appreciated the world over for years to come. I don’t want to be this person. I want to make a ripple so big that before I am 50 it is like there is a brand new and good world. One that is worth living in, in the same way that whoever made toilets with plumbing changed our world for the oh so better. It took several ideas and people to get all those ideas together as well as governments to make laws so they were good and not breaking every other day and all kinds of things.

To accomplish my dreams, finding a team would be an important step but definitely not the only one.