- Not watching my favorite show so that we can watch it together later so you can sleep.
- Doing the dishes till I’m tired so you will have less to do.
- Waking up early so I can help you at work and working with less than 5 hours sleep.
- Learning about psychology so that I can better assess the world and be better for you.
- Learning certain games so we can play together.
- Learning to like something in order that we can have things to talk about.
- Shutting myself down so that you stand whole.
- Cutting off my introversion needs because you need someone to be on.
- Silencing myself so that we don’t have a fight and we hurt each other.
- Meeting you at the door everyday so you have someone to come home to.
What is your good/bad list of things you do for love?
This is of course not the whole list and I haven’t gone that deep because I am not ready to do so.
Sometimes, just like a gratitude list we need to remember that we are loving people and putting in the effort. The counterweight is also that we need to remember that sometimes we do too much. There is a saying that when the days ad up that I have been living so many days hating my life than it is time for a change.
This past Sunday I didn’t go to church because I was wiped out tired. In the past, missing church was the same as cursing out my mother. As I became an adult missing church was bad because the people I knew would shame me for it in subtle ways. No in the bad way but in the missing an important family dinner kind of way, which can be just as pressurized. I asked myself a question that morning, Am I going to be there for community today or myself? I could talk to God at home, and truly I wanted some individual time with him, so I stayed…after asking his okay. 🙂 He can be so kind when I am sleepy. Holy Spirit is called the comforter and truly he is but I feel like it doesn’t really fully encompass how great he is.
- He’s the God who makes sure I take pain medicine and on time instead of just letting myself ache.
- He tells me to stay home when I’m tired and then says it over and over when I ask him if he is sure.
- He’s the God who pushes me to talk to him until I am so fuming mad at being pushed I spill over and curse and say terrible things and break down in tears because I was holding so much inside and had no idea I was holding something.
- He’s the God who has helped me to see that my feelings, wishes and hopes are valid and I need to start moving on them.
- He’s the God who doesn’t take my first no but waits for me to tell him the truth.
- He’s the God who loves me so much even as I do all manner of things so that I turn out to be nothing like him fail, fail and then helps me repair my life and heart from what I did.
- He’s the God who makes silly, strange, movie-related jokes until I smile.
- He’s the God who yells at me at 3 am that he loves me and hates seeing me hurt myself for other people’s sake.
- He’s the God who makes me happy even when everyone tells me I need to be messed up.
- He’s the God who sees me, knows me and pushes to see that and not just the mask I hand everybody.
This list is the list I have been focusing on more and more. I used to only focus on what I was doing for other people and it made me very bitter, like a tea steeped too long but now by allowing god to love me and letting him I see more of what he does for love. It may not be what other people think of when they say anything about love but for me this is my Happily Ever After, my king charming, my best friend. We’re not always good, obliviously and that makes it better for me. I didn’t want to have a God who was just that, perfect and holy. Meaning untouchable for my dirty self. I wanted the Jesus who hung out as one of the guys, chillin on the floor eatin corn straight from field, not judging based on gender, nationality, speech, coloring, disease or anything else we all hate on each other for.
I have that and he is showing more so I don’t feel like, that’s it? He’s making it so that I know that one day all the crap I dealt with from people or the enemy or even myself will weigh less than his love.
Not being there yet, doesn’t make it any less visible for me.
Being poured into is nice.