Disneyland was great, I was pleased to celebrate with a friend and on her VERY FIRST visit to Disneyland. She lives in so-cal! Not ok to me!
Afterward, I went on Facebook to post our pictures. Her camera wasn’t working so half of them were ones she wanted to take but mine was faster. I was happy with her reactions to them.
There was some backlash though.
I had gone off Facebook because seeing all of the hectic racist back and forth was turning into physical ailments. I said I would go on twice a week in October. I went a bit earlier because I wanted my friend to have her photos.
Within 1 hour the pain in my stomach returned. I had this overwhelming feeling to cry that was only being held down by my usual training and I was slowly becoming a mess. I made sure that the photos were on and nothing else needed my attention and deleted the app.
The pain almost immediately went down. I still had to take pain medicine but the worst was gone.
Taking all my stress away is impossible, but cutting down is important for me.
There is this picture online of a wolf with a small wolf and arrows sticking out of both of them. The baby wolf looks dead and the adult wolf looks like he simply was in a battle but will be fine.
I saw that and thought of a friend…but really I see myself. In some ways/categories I am a fierce wolf. In others I am more like this child wolf stabbed and gasping for life. People are very hard because of life and so they don’t ask questions they just assume that natural selection is the rule of thumb and those who are not helping are dead weight and should be handled accordingly. They don’t ask why.
Also do you know what the rule of thumb was? It was the concept that a man could beat his wife as long as the stick wasn’t thicker than his thumb.
Everyone assumes I’m inwardly strong and they don’t ask the question of why, what’s going on and I want them to. I want to be asked why I’m off Facebook instead of just applauded for it. I want to be asked why I don’t have a boyfriend, why I’m not in school or a superhero even though everyone thinks I’m capable it seems.
I know it isn’t but my reasons don’t seem to matter. People are waiting for me talk, I know that, but for some people it isn’t about just talking. It is about having an environment, a space, an atmosphere to talk.
We do it with God, you know? We have to have music and silence, dancing and food and all kinds of things to have church which is really just talking to God, making a FLIPPING SPACE FOR HIM!
However, I think people are pretty bad at that too so what are we to do. Why sing to your God about his brilliance and just talk about how bad you are if it weren’t for his overeager vastness? Why not sing to your dad about how cool he is and geek out about his job? Why not dance with your bro and play around? So many See only GOD and don’t see an entity that wants to love us and be loved. In my dealings it is only the disturbed who want you to grovel and kiss their feet and call it love.
It feels like I will have to make my own flipping space even in this. Good Lord! This is why I didn’t want to start on this path, so much work as a ‘first’ explorer and there are so many downsides the only enjoyment you can have is that it is going to benefit you as a person.
Either way, I think I’m off Facebook for life now, but I will give myself until the end of the year with the same twice a month thing.