Secret identity

You ever have a secret? Like not a batman/Bruce Wayne kind of secret but a tingly awesome secret that is about you and good?

Here’s mine:

I am a 20 something virgin who is looking for a fun lover and not a all-about-him-sex moment, and THIS is why I am waiting.

So many people have assumed who I am and why and I just want to say my own reasons.

I like being able to say who I am and why it reminds me sure but it also is my life. A part of my identity, what makes me happy and joyful. More than that this is my path, I am not doing this because of some hyped up, Jesus promise ring thing, or because …you know …hell…or because it will ‘honor’ some future husband. I’m doing this because I want something good in my life with someone else.

A friend of mine talked about giving away her first time out of spite; her words not mine. Hearing her say that and the mixture of pain left me in pain for her. What do I even say to that? Her thoughts really weren’t mine, she said it to show me that my choices were good but all I could think is, my friend is super hurting and she won’t let me care for her. Instead she’s using her pain to teach/uplift me and I really didn’t want that. I wanted to help her. Her pain was legitimate and she was glossing over it in a way that wasn’t glossing but wasn’t healing either…

The next time we talk….I think I’m gonna bring this up…it may be late but, allowing her to walk over her own feeling isn’t okay for me.

This got way off topic but I sometimes need to talk through my circumstances.

The thing about secret identities is they are great but like less then 5 people on the planet are really going to know about it and most of the time it is because those people happened upon them. Someone figures out who you are and you can confirm or deny but they will most likely hound you till you tell them.

It really doesn’t matter that only 5 people know about an identity…..but it really does. There is a part of ourselves that has to let the mountaintops know who we are. It doesn’t matter if the whole world knows, I don’t know the whole world and there are villains so them knowing is really awful. Yet, someone should know, right?

One of the harder things in my life is being this saint at my church. I have actually been told this and they call themselves what I can only express as sinner. (I’d rather not put the real version, just pisses me off.) They have no idea that the reasons I do what I do are the same as them, I was just bullied into doing it as a kid and found better reasons as a teen and even better reasons as an adult.

This doesn’t make me a saint like they are thinking. It makes me a person who started in a massively strict place as a kid and made it work for herself. We all start somewhere. Some of us have their parents die and go wonky, others have their kids die and go wonky (looking at you Martha Wayne) and some of us just have a not so great childhood and are just a few bars under wonky but are very close.

I want to be a person who appreciates the hidden and the secrets of her life but right now I just want them to be noticed. I want to be acknowledged as being awesome and wonderful without that sneer, jealousy or bitterness I see on so many of my peers faces. Most of the time that meant working hard and showing off but that has just made me unhappy and feel fake because it was never what I wanted to be doing, it was what was necessary but not what I wanted.

Now, I’m trying to figure out what that looks like. I’m not telling anyone I know but in my heart I am looking for the place I fit outside of my home. Work wise, place of rest wise, church wise, and hobby wise. I feel uncomfortable honestly like my shoulders are always tense but I also feel this sense of relief that I’M finally looking for my own path and not letting a path be foisted upon me.

I don’t care what Alfred Pennyworth thinks, yes sometimes we are foisted upon but we have to find our own path or go insane with the pressure of a life chosen for us.

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