The thief in my mind

Who’s counting?

I always find these ‘motivational speeches’ interesting. This is a person crying out for change inside of people in a poetic form. I respect that.

I just don’t feel it.

In this society and time, we have been so inundated with everything that this ‘motivation’ is just useless noise most of the time. My ears have scabbed over as I have been told over and over and over and over to BE SOMEBODY! To grow up and be awesome. On and on the concepts flow of who and what I am supposed to be and the pressure is laid on for whatever the present moment thinks is necessary.

So when someone asks, who is counting how many times I get up and fail, I tell them: I am.

I am counting because if I don’t either no one will or everyone will.

Oprah, Steve Jobs, the GREATS as we like to call them, the amount they failed is counted but in the long term compared to their accomplishments, all applaud.

Those who are ‘normal’ their family, friends and peers all count how many times they fail and bring it up ALL THE TIME. I’m not even sure why we do this to each other but we do. “Remember hat time-” Then the embarrassing, the shameful, the painful, all of it comes out in a form of protection. “I don’t want you to be hurt, embarrassed or shamed again so I will bring up the past so that you never think of doing those things again.”

This is what we do to each other in a fight or flight protection of each other.

Those who are somewhere in between?

Just enough success but not enough…there is a horrifying reality that no one cares how much work you put in. They in no way see it but because you are not normal nor extraordinary? All the good you do is unextraordinary and all the bad stuff or failures are unimportant.

Unless you do exceptionally well there is nothing that matters. A bit like playing a video game at level 50, any achievements have to be major in order for any growth to happen.

How much bitterness do you think can be formed in a single individual when no matter what that person does, it isn’t enough for anyone that they call family? When any low they hit will be ‘fine’ because they have bounced back before. Some may consider this to be faith in that person when instead it becomes either:

  1. A High place of mediocrity
  2. A massive push for success that the person can become overwhelmed under and either cave or become addicted to.

I am well aware of how others see me.

So many people want to see me become the next—- pick a name but they want greatness either way. Now, anything that I do is too below their expectations and no matter what I do I am left with this…. feeling. Who I am, now, is inadequate. Who I will be is what everyone wants to see, she is important. I am just the standby till she gets here.

Like I have a great older sister who is awesome and everyone asks why I’m not more like her.

Good lord that’s weird but I just saw it as real. I have to fight my own self for myself, and I am so tired because of it.

I’d write more but I gotta go, but I will come back to this.