Deserve better?

Here is the O.G. video if you want to see it:

I am posting both the audio and the O.G. for a reason. The O.G. has its own value but right now I am focusing on what the song means to me right in this moment. Play as you read maybe?

So this is kind of a part 2 from ‘old romance-new hook-up’. Kind of. I just have a continuation of thought on relationships.

I wonder at this idea of ‘deserving better’, I don’t know how good a person can be to ‘deserve’ something. That is partly why I am a Christian. The concept may float around that you need to get into heaven by works, sheer willpower and being good, but it sure ain’t the truth. I’m messed up and I, God and everyone else knows it. He is just nice enough not to bring it up all the flipping time and rub it in my face like some people do.

However, I do know the concept of wanting better than I have.

That’s why I posted the main video. I can understand having family that isn’t what you want but you still love them. We don’t need to have the extreme ‘deadbeats’ in our family to not know that we want better.

I wanted to talk about romantic partners, however.

I use to daydream about meeting a MacGyver kind of guy or maybe even an Aladdin on. I have since upped my standards and lowered them as well. I don’t want the thief nor do I want the spy, no matter how wonderful they may be. They aren’t what I want, they aren’t bad to me, just not what I want. Like not wanting to eat Pb&J any more.

However, it is easy to hold up a picture of what I want in front of the single men in my life and look back and forth and say ‘Nope, that’s not him,’ and suddenly run out of men.

Sure I have physical attributes that I would enjoy having, but that isn’t what I judge a man by. In terms of partnership I ask questions and find out if this guy plans for his wife to be a trophy or a cheerleader. If it is that or a few others, he’s out. If he freaks out because I speak in tongues at church? He’s out. the list goes on of a practical nature of this: If I need to let go of who I am in order to be with him, he’s out. A very simple concept. I understand that I really need to wash more dishes, I get that I read a lot. Some things can be adjusted, other things cannot.

We all should have the person who helps and we help to be the best us we can be. And not in the since of constantly moving, but simply the best. If that means we read more, rest better, work optimally, sing joyfully, whatever it is there should be a holistic greatness in mind that comes with a partner. I’m sharing where I sleep with him, this is important. I’m a woman, he will literally be inside of me, this is important.

I know what everyone has to say about my life and choices, but here is my heart on the matter. I have watched couples live a life that is at best boring or pitiful, at the middle so closed that it is stupid for them to call themselves a couple, and at the worst….just making themselves and the people around them miserable.

I want all the relationships I have to be life giving. If that means that we are having all out fights (privately) that help us to grow, Good. If that means starting a business together to accomplish both of our dreams, Love it. If that means being each others comfort when loved ones die or the more painful of life happens, all for it.

I want ALL of life, not just the glitter. The guys I have known, we wouldn’t help each other to do that.

I guess that is why it’s so hard in the present moment because I have seen so many great men. If they were all horrible and doofus, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. Nope, I get to see some of the best men that God has to offer. Yet, I want the best. The BEST FOR ME.

I want the same wavelength, the traditions we make just for us, the being there for each other in the way no one else can be, the understanding each other and later our habits. He goes shopping with me because he knows how much I dislike it and we have fun in all the shops. Maybe I bring him lunch and we eat together once a week.

It is hard to think that the little things that I enjoy that are really big things for me are called out as fantasy or childish by many I have known. My dreams are pitied or looked at as childish and no one sees the scars that pity has left, how closed I really am and will never open up to some people. My first accounting partner didn’t get this. There were so many times that she would either look passively at what excited me  or she would ‘poo poo’ it, which is akin to saying that it doesn’t matter mixed with looking down at it. It certainly didn’t help our relationship and made me close up like a snail or clam or any other ‘animal’ that has a shell that is its house that it can go into.

It is why I stopped sharing. I refuse to have my dreams be less than and I won’t fight to make them awesome in your eyes. My and the man I marry, our eyes are the only eyes that matter. If you agree than great but I won’t force my dreams onto you. If you can’t understand and respect that other people’s dreams, ideals and life are just as valid and important as your own then you have some growing up to do and you can do that in someone else’s life. I won’t hold your hand through that process, I will be hurt a lot more than you in it and I’m still healing from other pains.