I saw this on Facebook and I wanted to post this for several reasons:
- The friend is under 30, the point being that people aren’t reading Generation Y or Millennials correctly.
- This is me, this is my blog, ’nuff said.
- I wanted to talk about this.
So there is what I said on Facebook but then there is what I am also thinking.
I said how I add things to my life so that it seems like I’m in a movie sometimes. I like the fact that romantic movies burst into song and dance a lot. The people do things to love there Significant other that don’t involve flowers, chocolate or standing in the rain all the time. Sometimes it’s sitting up talking and laughing all night. Sometimes it’s going shopping in the toy section of Target and nerfing each other and then having slow death scenes. Really it is two people who get to have loads of fun living and get to make out later.
This is my own kind of happy romance.
What I experience though is this getting ready phase of not getting any of those things. I am expected as a woman to not expect cuddling or just making out without sex. I am supposed to know all the ways to give a blowjob but not really expect to be given any cunnilingus in return. I am supposed to at best make myself happy as I am pleasing another and at worst make sure to please this guy not expecting any in return. I am in one sense supposed to enjoy the concept of sex but be prepared to not like it.
I just want to shake a good portion of my friends and tell them loudly and verbosely to SHUT UP!
You are in no way making me want to have sex with any guy, let alone any guy who may do it all the things right and then marry me. They try to prepare me for the worst, like I asked to be, and forget all of the good. I have to remind myself often that sex will not be horrible, shameful and take all my dignity. I have to tell myself it will be a pleasure, enjoyable (TO ME!) and I will be a part of all that is going on instead of just the tissue paper.
What I want to say but didn’t put on Facebook because it was too deep was that I have this concept that I may never get married. I listen to movies and sometimes people also say that standards can be too high. I asked a dear friend about this and he said my standards were just right. I’m not looking for what everyone else is and it seems like ‘higher standards’ when in fact, it is what I personally need in order to flourish and two I have thought this through and they include things that will help in a long term relationship as opposed to a one night stand or even a short term, maybe we will but maybe we won’t kind of deal.
It is difficult, in the vastness of people and all their ideals, personalities and life choices to find one that matches my own. I have had guys that I liked that were wonderful but older than me so I seemed like a little kid to them. These are the ones that are ready to settle down, know how to treat a lady and are wonderful gentleman. The concept of having to wait for a man to grow up so that he can be a fantastic man for me instead of Peter Pan is daunting.
The men I could have had all got married, which doesn’t bother me, I didn’t want them when they were single I sure don’t want them now. What I am thinking about is all the men who are getting married young and will round out into wonderful men no matter how crazy they were in their youth.
I only want one guy, I’m not looking at them all and saying I will pick and choose, I’m just looking for they man who fits this suit of standards I have and I fit his dress of standards.
It should be…but I wonder if I’m going to be 50 before I meet this guy. At that point it will really be useless to me. I know that sounds harsh but I don’t want to be in my 40’s still looking for a guy.
Watching my friends, bros and sisters alike all find their partners that are honestly so perfect for them, has been harder than I let on. At the time I just want to be their for them and not let jealousy or covetousness reign, so I put all those feelings on hold.
Now, though, I begin to think in this semi-private moment, that it has been hard to watch people pair up and I am left with the broken or younger guys, of which it would be WAY too much work to take let alone the fact that I am a serious romantic. I think that if I take a guy then he will never have the pleasure of having the perfect woman for him and she will never have her perfect guy. That would make me the witch in the story. I’d be Ursula. Yeah, I’d have a thriving mob business, magic and a great set of lungs but I’d also be Ursula and she not only died badly, seemed very happy with a tragic backstory somewhere in there but also, simply, was the bad guy who couldn’t let two people be happy just because they were richer/more powerful then her. I’m not like that at all. I like to see happily ever afters even if I’m not part of them.
I guess, now, it just hurts.
I’m not begrudging them their love, I know that, but it is why I don’t delve into this thought/feeling when it comes up.
I want my happily ever after, with the dragons and the quests and the camaraderie and adventure. Happily ever after doesn’t begin for me when thy ride off into the sunset. It begins when they meet and get to have an incredible adventure together. It continues with new stories of adventure where they are in love but have to protect the kingdom. It goes on as they raise kids and fight villains and seek to make their kingdom better for themselves, their family and their people. And on it goes.
I know that’s not the normal concept of Happily Ever After but it is mine. It is the story that matters. I am a storyteller, so this is happiness for me.
It is hard to shake the idea that I will find an amazing guy but I will have spent so much time without him that at that point I will have given up. Two people I know are in their 40s and 50s and I can see how hard it is for both of them to be without this great love in their lives. They have God and they are able to travel in ways that if they were married like their friends they ma not have been able to do…but the ache they carry is hard to bear for me. Half the time I just want to hug them and not let go for awhile because they look like they are so angry and upset and hurt. Maybe I internalized this.
For so long all I wanted was a good friend who got me and I could call for support and who would call me and we would be comrades in this spiritual fight (Ephesians 6). When I got that and trusted it…it made all the difference. It’s like sitting in the warm sun without a care in the world as butterflies fly around me, knowing that if it rains I will have a place to rest and enjoy the sounds on the roof. No matter what happens in the future, I will have a had a true friend.
Sadly, it also made me realize even more how possible it is to have a love/romance/friendship with a man that can be just as lovely. My heart began to ache more after this realization. In some movies you hear the characters say how much harder it is to have experienced love and then not to have it. Men in Black is the perfect example of this. I didn’t think it was really true but it is if it’s the perfect wavelength. There are some people based on timing, personality, mutual interests, personal journeys, that function on the same or similar wavelength as you. Those people can be the best asset.
And that’s what I want.