Man was I happy today, waking up to a cold room. The summer has been so hot and I was simply waiting till fall to show up. It cooled down sure but not like this morning when I had to get dressed for work and had to put on a blanket as I did so.
The end of the day is the best for me. It is cool and comfortable for me, it centers me in a way that early morning does for other people. I guess it is this reason that I am so happy for fall to finally come and feeling it as well. Spring too is wonderful because it brings stronger chances of rain. I love the rain and when I see people in Indian movies dancing in the rain I wish I had a climate warm enough to do so without catching a cold.
I know how so many people feel about just about everything but it is harder to accept my own enjoyments. I see myself from others viewpoints because it has allowed me to see my flaws and work to fix them. Now, though, I need to extend the same courtesy of my own view to myself. It isn’t that there is nothing to fix, it is that the things that others would focus on would hold me back from fixing the things that are important as well as I won’t be able to love myself.
People don’t really know how to love themselves. I figured that out a long time ago and yet I have still been using this distorted viewpoint in order to take care of myself. I can love and be compassionate with others but with myself I am almost cruel.
I deny my pleasures, desires, happiness and more because this is they way.
The way of religion, the world…it is fine if you enjoy, desire and are happy with what everyone else is happy about but if you enjoy the cold, the rain, the extremes of this world, you can be punished. As if it people’s right to do so. Those who are different are cut down like natural selection is the way that humans SHOULD treat each other. As if we are not able to do better.
So my new world begins, one where I base my life in the Beloved and trust my own choices. I thought this was the end but no. I will also be loving myself allowing God to love me. I had no confidence in either of us but that is growing and is no longer that same soul sucking ache as it was. Still bad but not horrifying any more…at least, not all the time.
Tuning out all my usual programming for my own benefit is hard. The whole point was that this was for the benefit of others. How short sided that was I could write a book on. If you are empty, how can you help anyone else? Now I am not empty but neither am I full and I cannot function this way. I cannot, I wont, these are words that I have been forced to take out of my vocabulary by those who use them abusively and didn’t want me to be the same.
However, I am not them, and they are not me.