It feels like I have been gone forever. I haven’t written in awhile because I went on a family trip. (Thankful for these scheduled posts!) Emotionally I am so gone. But I miss writing so much.
Most of the time I was away from my family. I had some things I needed to work out with God. So while everyone was playing games I was in this old temple kind of thing, by myself. This weekend went so fast and then we got home and I crashed to sleep. I woke up days later more zombie than normal human.
And so days later I am back to a shade of normal ready to write and continue my 52 weeks. Truly I am behind in timing however, I don’t really want to hurry so I am fine with being out of step with my usual, if it takes a year and half or more, I’m fine with this. I need to take this time, no matter what.
Yet, the not writing is really getting to me. I spent waaayyy too much time not writing and now I feel…unfulfilled. All the time that I have been putting in so many hours of giving into myself but the past week has been about physically healing up and then I had a bunch of things to do for family work and now I finally have a day to fill me up.
Being so long without is different. I am not as empty as I was before but I’m still…now I can feel the hunger for in my soul in a better way. It’s not like this soul sucking into darkness kind of feeling, thankfully. Now, it’s getting closer to the feeling when you haven’t eaten in a very long time and you are working at the same time. My energy is getting used faster than the norm and on top of that I am getting hungrier and hungrier. Finding what I should eat is hard, I have a friend who is joining me this week in feeding our souls. Having a person holding me accountable…it hasn’t really been a thing I liked.
I had an accountability partner once before. In Christian terms, she was meant to make sure that I don’t sin and if I do I have someone who can help me get back on track.
It has been awhile since we stopped but the accounting became stupid. For the most part I am an above board person, I also do not sin even in the small very lightly. I have a high sense of shame and pain so, I often give myself away or can’t do something at all. This has made it easy for my parents, not so adventurous for me as I would like. I didn’t need to account but I did it because my church was pushing it.
A problem arose after some time that I didn’t notice until we stopped accounting. As much as I was open with her, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t know the difference until my newest friend who I am open with but also am myself with. We operate at what you might call a similar wave length. We have a lot in common via the past and personality and feel the same way about a lot of things. Which I thought was the same with my accounting partner but somehow it just wasn’t. She had her own way of doing things that didn’t relate to God and the world the way I did and there was a lot we both held back on. She was an independent woman and so was I, in pretend. I hate being the Olivia Pope type but I hold it well.
My friend saw me as this type, able to take on the world with her. When I did let down my hair, she did not take it well. Neither did I. 🙂 It was the catalyst, though not the reason for why we stopped accounting.
With the person I am soul-filling with this week, it is different. We started our friendship on the basis that I would be myself and that included the God part that I mostly hide from people. So when we begin to be accountable for things, those things aren’t based in other peoples ideas of what we need nor in a fake persona, it is based in our current needs and who we truly are.
My father brings up the idea that you can only have really 5 or so real and true friends in your lifetime…I look and see that no matter what happens in the future, this young lady has been my true friend.