So, this is the official end for my first week which was amazing. I found a good schedule for myself and am very happy with my progress. Having the morning wake-up has not only improved my mood overall during the day, I am awake faster and I go to sleep with the feeling of wanting the next day to occur. The addition of a nightly routine is also helping as it has prompted me to not be so afraid to go to sleep.
I read the second week homework and almost immediately put it down. It was like facing that empty void again. I picked it up later in the day but still I felt this feeling of utter terror. I have decided to give myself two weeks on this project since it effected me so much. 10 simple questions and yet I feel as though I am digging into my soul for the answers. Not the one that my family and friends laid out for me to have but the one that is my own and so vastly new to me.
I feel like a farmer who is looking at his harvest. There is so much to do and so few hands and who knows how much time.
I have decided that I need to bring in a friend into this. A partner to help me craft, plan and roll out a life plan. (A lifestyle change isn’t enough for what I wish to accomplish.) This won’t be a small thing and honestly I might as well move to another country for all that is about to happen. The last three were so small compared to what I have planned and how it will effect my friends and family, let alone me that I have to formulate a plan even for them. As strange as that sounds, taking care of my family will require a plan of its own so that
- I am able to accomplish my plans
- They do not try to stop me
- I get enough strength to stand against any and all rebukes
- They know that this is not a thoughtless act of rebellion
- They feel loved and cared for
There are so many things to take into account that I will need a solid support system to make it through. I have never really made one of these. I guess, again I will have to trust in God for the right people. On top of that I will need them within the month. I have no desire to continue down this path without partners and I am also unable to stay where I am emotionally much longer. After the Happify incident I see this clearly. By the end of this month I will have a partner, by the end of next month a new life plan, and before December arrives I will put this plan into action.
I refuse to live in that dark fog ever again. I also refuse to lose any of my people in the transition or be bullied out of doing what I need so I don’t end up back in some emotional hole of pain.