I have been wanting to try this app maybe…since the beginning of the summer? However, my phone was very much against this. Too old. Sigh. Now it is dead. This new phone is well able to handle it so I got it today….
The first 2 minutes I was fine. It was what I basically did before by myself. Focusing on my physical body.
This is where the resemblance stops.
Sitting there listening to this mindfulness exercise I became fully aware of how achy I felt and even the pain in my body that I was ignoring.
As the time for letting your mind wander hit, I began to feel this overwhelming need to cry. As I let my mind do ‘whatever it wanted’ I allowed myself to feel these feelings and I actually cried. I am not one to cry on demand so this was odd for me.
I began to really think about this because to feel all this pain in both physical and soul…I need to re-evaluate. I began to think about my parents. One is very closed but also an HSP like me. The other is an extrovert who is nothing like me. I was told by the closed HSP to grow a thicker skin. I was told by the extrovert that I needed to overcome, as in forgive, forget, move on mentality. My feelings were things to be overcome for the both of them. This easily lead to me burying them and ignoring them, leading me to also ignore my body.
Slowly I have been trained by my family and friends to bury and ignore… everything about me. They tell me that it isn’t true. That they meant one thing and if I misinterpreted their words than that is my fault. They tell me I should have been more forthcoming and asked for clarification.
Part of me is just breaking down, the other part is laughing. That laugh that you sometimes see on TV when the character hears that something horrific happened but they are so in shock and there are so many layers to it that they just start laughing. Whether they start crying after, breaking or throwing things or maybe even simply just laughing till they are put away…depends.
I took 3 years to find out who I am and now I am finding that I have no training on how to care, be, love, work as, walk as this person. What was God being annoying by making me sit down and learn who I am, is now me waking up to a place I don’t know like a settler with no clue how to live off the land or how to survive let alone getting to a place of thriving.
I have so many feeling right now and trying to sort though them right now is super tough. I feel like I’m living in two places with two different languages. The old way of living and doing that brought nothing but harm and this new place that I have no idea what I’m doing and I feel helpless.
At some point during the three years I realized God was calling me to a new path and I saw it like a place of darkness, empty and void. I was so afraid of this and it took me sometime to stop avoiding him on the subject. Yet and still I stepped forward into this dark empty space and decided that empty space that could be made into something fantastic was bountifully better than the personal torment I was currently in.
Saying it like this, it feels like Genesis. I see why God brooded over the waters. To begin making something on a piece of paper is not the same as deciding to change your entire existence.
This world of mine is being made with light and fruit and one day a partner, but as I see it all being made I feel overwhelmed. Once everything is in place, how will I live in this new space?
I trusted in God before and trust him now…but the feeling is that the volume of what I am about to walk into will be so much larger than what I have ever experienced. The amount of which I will have to lean into God as well as receive from him will be so greatly increased as well that if not for these past 3 years I may well be broken. The pride that my family and friends taught me will even more be thrown away. I thought I had reached an ending point…but it seems I have not even left the first chapter.
Hm, what will my story become?…..no…..what story will I choose to live out?