I want crazy

I have a secret. (No, I’m not telling.) A secret so silly and off the wall that I have no idea how to tell anyone. It’s an idea too, not quite a plan but I hope it will be.

….but a secret idea is a lot different from a plan I am putting into action.

The what if’s are slowly changing my secret idea into a silly joke. The idea of telling someone is bursting out of me, but telling them means opening myself to criticism.  It may be good or bad but it could also kill my secret idea before it has even left my airspace.

Yet still…I want this. I want this bit of crazy in my life. I don’t even just WANT it, at this point I need it. Who needs crazy? Well, mentally, no one, but wild, crazy as an expression? I want that. I prided myself on becoming normal and now that I know that AIN”T HAPPENIN’, I am moving on and embracing what I do need. Like yearly adventures and weekly outings to nature, therapy and other things that I have always needed but chose not to need because I was trying to be like everyone else.

I would tell you what this is but I can’t/won’t. It is too personal. Might as well post a shot of me in my underwear, because that is what the internet is for! No. Super, not okay.

So why am I writing? Well, honestly, I have seen that I have had at least 2 visitors(!), but that doesn’t mean that the whole world is looking. I could write my secret and maybe one day someone will see this and tell the world but that’s not what I’m thinking.

I’m feeling.

I’m feeling and allowing myself to feel. Just as I allowed myself to feel a crush on 2 guys I am allowing myself in this moment to have my own personal secret. To have something that is mine, a precious thing. I want to talk about it and not just hide it like I’ve hidden so much of myself I want to ‘let my freak flag fly’. I want this to come alive and not just sit like constipation in my gut, wigging me out. I want life to come to this and not just be a thought in my head.

I want my wants to come alive even if those who are involved don’t want it or don’t like because this is for ME. This is what I NEED right now. And I need this to be okay with me before it is ever told to them. I want crazy and I need to allow this in my life.