This is the crux of my life, right here in picture form.
All the things I hold onto and bury for the sake of others. Their feelings, their punishments for hurting their feelings, maliciousness.
This blog is helping me to get these things out honestly…I just…I haven’t gone as deep as I could and I’m not really sure if I should in such a public domain. There are so many things I’ve written in my personal journal and those things feel real.
In a way I want to post ‘letters’. Letters to people from my past just so I can get this out of my system. Mi madre would simply say forgive them but forgiveness is a supreme journey or quest even and the end result may be one thing but the ride there is not just ‘let it go’.
They hurt me and I have no intention of going back and fixing anything, for the most part. There are a few people I still want to have conversations with and binding us back together but I still need time for that. They have needs for their friendships just like I do and I am not able to keep up so there’s no point in going back just yet.
To be honest this picture is all I have to say. I don’t have any insights into myself this has just been on my heart and maybe I will come back to this but the truth is those things I wanted to say seem small in looking back in the way a picture in your mind seems dimmer after several years unless it was something uber important to you or stood out like 9/11. I don’t remember the little things people have done to hurt me in the same way that I don’t really remember the fly that swarmed around me that one time that day.
I just feel the pain.
This is what I’m attending to right now. Not people hurting me, but me healing. I’m not dredging this up because I want to hurt them or hold them accountable. I just want to wake up, have a good day and sleep well. I want to hold my loved ones close and enjoy it. I want to do these things without a lot of other things getting in the way.
That’s all really.