Take your time

I want to shout out to the librarian who is super amazing. I sent a family member to the library to pick up some holds and with them a note saying I was under the weather and please take care of my family.

When I was able to go myself two of them were quite concerned and asking if I was better. I was shocked, I can be ignored a lot you see. I tried to give them a regular throw away answer but one of them wouldn’t have it. She asked some pointed questions and was really listening. She then spoke on her own dealings with being ill and the deals she made to just get out of bed. This hit me emotionally as I remembered the amount of times I had to figure out how to take pills that were a few inches away but needed food to go with but that meant getting up and getting it and then figuring out what wouldn’t make me nauseous.

“Take your time,” she told me.

Even as some of my family ignored me, even as they wondered why I wasn’t over things or moving faster, while they all around were just not helping, this librarian says to me:

“Take your time.”

I almost cried right there in the library. I got out quick but before I left she said “If you ever need to talk I’m here.” I don’t really know this woman all that well. She’s a geek like me, used to be a teacher and loves Voltaire (Lord, help her) but we aren’t close. Yet here she is in one of my weaker moments saying, this is all normal, you will be fine. I hadn’t felt fine in weeks before she told me this. I felt abandoned and alone and broken. I was ashamed and hurting in ways I didn’t understand. My emotional state was all over the walls because of my physical state.

And she got it.

She didn’t tell me how to fix it. She was just there.

I’ve been this for others so many times, but I didn’t know what kind of a feeling it is to have that from someone else so deeply. ‘I’m not insane’ was the feeling. ‘I matter. I am here.’

I want more moments like this. I want to be seen.

Right now, though, for now, I’m doing as she says.