A crush

I wanted to say something that I find I am not really allowed to say.

I have a crush on 2 young men.
I will never marry or be in a relationship with them, 1 is already taken anyway. But they are both beautifully fantastic. They would not be good partners for me and I would not be good for them in the long run.
Yet in still, their faces bring delight to me.

I often have these delights in people and they pass like the wind or sometimes they are more like seasons, their perfume lasting a bit longer but still they fade.
My friends and family understand this but are unsympathetic. ….I didn’t realize how much this has hurt me until just now. Hm.

I do not think that feelings are wrong, I simply do not want those feelings to lead me in my life. I can be tempestuous, my life needs to have a steady heading to weather it in a world that is so much worse.
Yet I do want to acknowledge my feelings as well. I don’t need them to know it in the same way that I don’t need for those I am angry at to know my feelings until they are steady in my hand. Having them as friends suits me. I adore the stars and yet to bury myself into one would be to burn. My adoration and affection is fine from a far.

I have loved once and I will never do it again with someone who is not the partner I need. It is not simply to have sex or be romantic that I seek a relationship. The KIND of care and connection is just as important as, well, as an electrical plug when you travel outside of your country. The connection matters or it could short the device. Me.

I am tempted to delete this whole thing, no one knows who I speak of and yet to say it is still a blush moment. The feeling right before a roller coaster starts I may say.

I like someone!

These writings I have said are akin to screaming at the ocean that is the internet and I have found solace in this. Yet still, a stray word could float on the wind and carry to someone’s ear. Suddenly my pronouncement is a things and then the questions come of which I do enjoy questions but what will be my answer? Do I want to give an answer? When I first told people I was a writer they began to talk about publishing. That would be like talking to a child and asking them about what firm they want to join when they are older. You are missing years and years of school, work, play and dreaming of the future.

This here, online, has been my playtime even as it has touched tender areas. That is what I have sought as people have said, look for a passion that you would do for free. Writing is my passion. Stories, people, God, food, tea, these too are my passions. Art, love, fun, they are my tools.
Any partner I have would need to honor these things. but these are other matters.
The matter that stands before me is the years I have spent pushing down my feelings and turning my soul into rot. The years I spent fearing a sin of lust that really only once came in my remembrance. After diligently seeking out what lust is, I have found that only once have I even ever dined in this area of the mind. Yet many, because of their own sin have led me false into a world of fear at every muscled arm, quirky smile or hint of wit or intelligence. Is God so weak that he cannot help me to overcome lust if and when it arrives?

He has always taken care of me even when it was simply to keep me safe and survive. I would think he would also see me thrive. In this I do not wish to be afraid of my feelings anymore., nor allow them to be diminished for whatever the reason. Now excuse me as I go repeat this to my self 50 times over until it sticks. 😉

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