PT: To cherish a desire with anticipation

I’m going to make Sundays Personal Time or PT, we shall see how this goes.

There are some things that I want very badly…things I have hidden from people because a long time ago I found out people aren’t very nice to your stuff all of the time.

I had a best friend who when she came over my favorite doll would always end up with a limb off of her body, same doll, different limb, many times.

So I have learned that in order to protect what I hold most dear I must put it away, even from friends.

My friends hate this. Many want to be closer to me and enjoy who I am but there is always a wall so there is no depth to our relationship.

I don’t tell them that my greatest desire is to get married to a wonderful man whom I love and I think is is so great that if he told me he could fly I would believe it. I don’t tell them how much God really means to me even though they are also Christians. I don’t say that I want to adopt a little girl and keep her safe from the world but still wonder if I should have my own children because of the world they will have to live in. I don’t say how wonderful I think my friends are.

However….

I look forward to the day when I can show  off this great man and love him any way I want because legally and spiritually the world has no say in it. I wait patiently for the day when I can love God, my babies, my friends and family  and every body has to shut up about the way I do it.

I am very passionate.

Incredibly, when I think about it.

Yet showing off this passion is considered…offensive. Calm down, I get that a lot.

I have learned to be silent, to be quiet to stuff all that is inside of me, good or bad. They say that the time of the woman being in her place as a quiet and in her place of the 50s is over…and yet almost every day I am reminded to quiet down, to calm down and stop stepping out of line.

People may truly want me and everyone else to show their true selves….but they make it beyond hard to do so.

It seems I have touched on a raw nerve within myself….I must be on the right path. 🙂

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