What happened to me?
I feel like I am going on a tirade in every post. I know that first poison flows out of the wound and even blood when dealing with emotional scars but it amazing how much is coming out to me at least.
I got used up in my old church. I felt like I was doing so many jobs that others could do and they would not step up. I didn’t and don’t hate them I understand when I am simply not ready for a job but I should have stepped down. I wasn’t aware of myself. As I focused more and more on others I found the wear and tear growing on my heart. It wasn’t until my old church closed and we ended up with the church that was thinking about taking our building that I began to see how broken I had become. (They never did take the building but we stayed with them anyway and I began to heal.)
I looked up and saw my hatred for people, my utter disdain for humanity, lack of caring if they all got to hell screaming or go to heaven peacefully. Your life you ruin and not my own.
This is NOT who I am. I really like and love people as a whole and have great compassion for who they are because I have been there and know that just because you speak lies and hurtful terrible things, doesn’t mean you don’t go home and cry and tear at yourself for the pain you know you have caused. I love how creative people can be and the strength that builds and the loveliness that they display in simple situations.
So how can it be that they have become damnable to me or worse something to be ignored?
(I’ll keep the coarse language to a minimum but some words are the ones that are needed.)
too much focus and not enough balance. I allowed all of the things that I hold most dear to become something hidden from the sun just so that people couldn’t take one more thing from and from this…resentment blossomed instead of my dreams. Instead of the love I had for people, even my friends and family, all I had, was some thing draining all of my energy and strength.
Hide what is most dear in order to save it like a woman on the underground railroad, trying to keep these people, called slaves by others, alive.
I can’t live like this any more. Taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of those whom I love.
…and so now I begin to search for hope. Because no matter how much bad in people I see, I know and see good as well and I choose to see that first because I will falter if I don’t.
As appropriate: Pacific Rim:
“Today… at the edge of our hope… At the end of our time… We’ve chosen not only to believe in ourselves… but in each other… Today, there’s not a man nor woman in here who shall stand-alone… Today, we face the monsters that at our doors… Today we are cancelling the apocalypse.”